even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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