Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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