Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize