She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
