alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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