make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
