White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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