I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize