I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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