did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
