I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
