Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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