she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
