Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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