Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize