i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
