I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize