Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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