life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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