The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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