Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
