I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
