i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize