When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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