I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
