Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
