I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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