Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
