i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
