In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
