I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
