be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
