My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
how does that bad decision feel?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
