he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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