I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
