she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
