Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
