i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
