I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize