Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
