So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
