I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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