God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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