new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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