I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
