I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
