I wanna passion pit in your ass
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We were destined to go to rehab together
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
