Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
