I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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