my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
