Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
