His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The Olympian is in my bed
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize