i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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